雅思搞笑故事 17：简答题做太多，我连我妈问我吃了没都只回三个词
做了一周的 short answer questions，我的嘴开始不听使唤。
室友问："今晚吃什么？"
我条件反射："面条。"
她愣了一下："就两个字？你不问问我想吃什么？"
我低头看着笔记本，上面写着"NO MORE THAN THREE WORDS"。我说："番茄鸡蛋面。"
室友说："我问的是你想吃什么，不是让你报菜名。"
"都行。"我说。两个字，安全。
她开始慌了："你最近怎么了？说话跟发电报似的。"
这时候我妈打来视频电话。"儿子，最近工作怎么样？"
我脑子里自动弹出题目："How is the son's work?" 要求：NO MORE THAN THREE WORDS。
"还行。"我说。
"还行是什么意思？涨工资了吗？"
"没。"
"那你什么时候找对象？"
"快了。"
电话那头沉默了三秒。我妈说："你是不是被人胁迫了？你要是被胁迫了就眨眨眼。"
我想了想。简答题要求答案必须来自原文，不能自己编。我眨了眨眼。
我妈立刻挂了电话，十分钟后出现在我家门口，手里攥着户口本。"走，现在就去相亲。"
我说："NO MORE THAN THREE WORDS，我真的……"
她一把拽住我的胳膊："你再说三个字试试。"
"别拽我。"
"行，"我妈说，"四个字，犯规了。看来病得不轻。"
——雅思简答题最大的后遗症：你发现整个世界都要求你用不超过三个词回答，而你妈除外。
English Version
After a week of grinding through short-answer questions, my mouth stopped working properly.
My roommate asked, "What's for dinner tonight?"
I reflexively answered, "Noodles."
She blinked. "Just two words? You're not even going to ask what I want?"
I glanced at my notebook, where it said "NO MORE THAN THREE WORDS." "Tomato egg noodles," I said.
"I asked what YOU want, not for you to recite a menu."
"Whatever." Two words. Safe.
She started to panic. "What's wrong with you lately? You talk like a telegram."
Then my mom called on video. "Son, how's work?"
My brain automatically generated a question: "How is the son's work?" Constraint: NO MORE THAN THREE WORDS.
"Fine," I said.
"What does 'fine' mean? Did you get a raise?"
"No."
"When are you going to find a girlfriend?"
"Soon."
Silence for three seconds. My mom said, "Are you being held hostage? Blink if you're being forced."
I thought about it. Short-answer rules say answers must come from the text, not made up. I blinked.
My mom hung up immediately and showed up at my door ten minutes later, clutching her household register. "Come on, we're going to a blind date right now."
I said, "NO MORE THAN THREE WORDS, I really—"
She grabbed my arm. "Say three more words. I dare you."
"Don't drag me."
"Four words," my mom said. "You broke the rule. Must be serious."
— The worst side effect of IELTS short-answer questions: you realise the whole world wants you to answer in no more than three words. Except your mom.
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