雅思搞笑故事 29：不可数名词强迫症，听到 informations 我就想打人
不可数名词学多了，我这辈子再也受不了加 s 的不可数名词。
早上打开微信群，同事发了条消息："大家有什么 informations 吗？"
我手比脑子快，立刻回复："Information. 不可数名词，没有复数。不加 s。"
群里安静了十秒。
然后另一个同事发了条："我有一些 advices 要给大家。"
我眼前一黑。
"Advice！也是不可数！你不能说 an advice，也不能说 advices。你要说 some advice，或者 a piece of advice。"
群里没人说话了。
过了一会儿，老板私聊我："你以后能不能在群里别这样？"
"哪样？"
"你每次都在群里纠正别人的单复数。"
"可是他们说错了。"
"说错了就说错了吧。"
"不行，"我认真地说，"knowledge 也不可数，不能说 knowledges。equipment 也不可数，不能说 equipments。furniture 也不可数，不能说 furnitures。"
老板沉默了。"我知道你是对的。但你能不能私下跟我说？"
中午吃饭，朋友跟我吐槽："我老板给我太多 works 了，做不完。"
我放下筷子。"Work 表示'工作'的时候不可数。你不能说 works。你要说 too much work。"
"那 works 什么时候用？"
"作为'作品'或'工厂'的时候可数。比如 a collection of Rembrandt's works，或者 a steel works。但你说的是工作量，不可数。"
朋友看着我，眼神逐渐空洞。"我就是吐槽一下工作量大。"
"吐槽也要讲语法。"
下午去超市，听到旁边一个人打电话："I need to buy some staffs for the office."
我整个人弹了起来。
"Staff！集合名词，不可数！你不能说 staffs。你要么说 the staff，要么说 staff members。Staff 本身就是全体员工。"
电话那头沉默了。打电话的人慢慢转过头看我。"你谁啊？"
"一个被不可数名词折磨了三个月的人。"
他挂了电话，推着购物车走了。走得很快。
晚上我妈打电话来："儿子，我今天买了好多 furnitures，沙发、桌子、柜子——"
我深吸一口气。"妈。furniture。不可数。"
"那我怎么跟你说我买了好几样？"
"你可以说 I bought some furniture，或者 I bought several pieces of furniture。"
"pieces？"
"对。不可数名词要用量词。a piece of advice，a piece of information，an item of equipment，a piece of furniture。"
我妈叹了口气。"你是不是学英语学魔怔了？"
我想解释。但我突然意识到，我不仅在纠正别人，我自己也开始出问题了。
昨晚做梦，梦见自己在考试。听力Section 4，女生说："The research provides important informations about the impacts of climate change."
我立刻在卷子上写：FALSE。information不可数，不能加s。
然后醒来发现自己在床上喊："FALSE！"
——学不可数名词学到最后，你在梦里都在给听力答案判 FALSE。最可怕的不是别人说 informations，而是你自己在梦里把它改过来了。
English Version
After studying uncountable nouns for too long, I can no longer tolerate an S added to anything uncountable.
This morning, I opened a work group chat. A colleague posted: "Does anyone have any informations?"
My fingers moved faster than my brain. I replied immediately: "Information. Uncountable noun. No plural. No S."
The group went silent for ten seconds.
Then another colleague posted: "I have some advices for everyone."
I saw black.
"Advice! Also uncountable. You can't say 'an advice,' and you can't say 'advices.' You say 'some advice,' or 'a piece of advice.'"
Nobody said anything in the group after that.
A moment later, my boss private-messaged me: "Can you stop doing this in the group?"
"Doing what?"
"Correcting everyone's singular/plural forms."
"But they're wrong."
"Let them be wrong."
"I can't," I said earnestly. "Knowledge is uncountable — no 'knowledges.' Equipment is uncountable — no 'equipments.' Furniture is uncountable — no 'furnitures.'"
My boss went silent. "I know you're right. But can you tell me privately?"
At lunch, a friend complained to me: "My boss gives me too many works. I can't finish."
I put down my chopsticks. "Work, meaning 'workload,' is uncountable. You can't say 'works.' You say 'too much work.'"
"When can I say 'works'?"
"When it means 'artistic pieces' or 'a factory.' Like 'a collection of Rembrandt's works,' or 'a steel works.' But when you're talking about workload, it's uncountable."
My friend stared at me, eyes gradually glazing over. "I was just complaining about being overworked."
"Even complaining requires correct grammar."
At the supermarket in the afternoon, I overheard someone on the phone: "I need to buy some staffs for the office."
I sprang to my feet.
"Staff! Collective noun, uncountable! You can't say 'staffs.' You either say 'the staff,' or 'staff members.' 'Staff' already means the whole group."
The person on the phone went quiet. They slowly turned to look at me. "Who are you?"
"Someone who's been tortured by uncountable nouns for three months."
They hung up and pushed their cart away. Quickly.
That evening, my mom called. "Son, I bought lots of furnitures today — a sofa, a table, cabinets—"
I took a deep breath. "Mom. Furniture. Uncountable."
"Then how do I tell you I bought several things?"
"You can say 'I bought some furniture,' or 'I bought several pieces of furniture.'"
"Pieces?"
"Yes. Uncountable nouns need measure words. A piece of advice, a piece of information, an item of equipment, a piece of furniture."
My mom sighed. "Has learning English broken you?"
I tried to explain. But then I realised something — I wasn't just correcting other people. I was breaking myself too.
Last night, I dreamt I was taking a test. Listening Section 4. A woman said, "The research provides important informations about the impacts of climate change."
I immediately wrote on my answer sheet: FALSE. Information is uncountable — you can't add an S.
Then I woke up shouting, "FALSE!"
— After studying uncountable nouns long enough, you're marking answers FALSE in your dreams. The scariest part isn't when someone says 'informations' — it's when you correct it in your sleep.
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