雅思搞笑故事 34：写作字数强迫症，连购物清单都要写满150词
为了应付小作文不少于 150 词的要求，我练了三个月。
从最初憋出 80 词就交卷，到最后能洋洋洒洒写 220 词。老师说我进步神速。
但我没想到，这个病会从考场上溢出来。
周末老婆让我列个购物清单。"买牛奶、鸡蛋、卫生纸。"我拿张纸，刷刷写。
写完老婆一看："就这？六个词。"
我看着那张纸，浑身难受。150 词。这才六个词，差得远。
我开始加料。"牛奶"后面加"，which is an essential source of calcium for the whole family"。"鸡蛋"后面加"，and they are widely regarded as one of the most nutritious foods available"。"卫生纸"后面加"，since running out of it at home would be extremely inconvenient"。
老婆凑过来看我写。"你写购物单呢，还是写雅思作文呢？"
"等会儿，"我头也不抬，"还差三十多个词。"
我在后面补了一段："Furthermore, it is worth noting that these items should be purchased from a reliable supermarket, as the quality of fresh products may vary significantly between different shops."
写完数字数。152 词。我长舒一口气，把单子递给老婆。
老婆看了三秒。"我让你买牛奶鸡蛋卫生纸，你给我写了一篇小作文？"
"够 150 词了，"我得意地说，"Task 1 最低要求。"
"那你到底买不买？"
"买，"我说，"but I need one more sentence to make it 160, just to be safe."
老婆一把抢过单子揉成一团。"你再这么写下去，下次你给我留个言都得三段式：引言、主体、结论。"
她还真说对了。
晚上她问我回不回家吃饭，我回了条微信："Regarding the question of whether I will be back for dinner, I would like to state that, due to unforeseen circumstances, a slight delay may be expected."
她秒回："说人话。"
我盯着屏幕看了半天。在雅思写作里，"说人话"是要扣分的——因为不够正式，不够书面，字数也不够。
——雅思写作训练最大的后遗症：你再也不会写短句了。连买包牛奶，都得凑够 150 词才安心。
English Version
For three months I trained to clear the 150-word minimum for Task 1.
I went from handing in 80 words and tapping out, to comfortably cranking out 220. My teacher said my progress was remarkable.
What I didn't expect was for this condition to spill out of the exam room.
One weekend my wife asked me to make a shopping list. "Milk, eggs, toilet paper." I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote.
When I finished she looked at it. "That's it? Six words."
I stared at the paper, deeply uncomfortable. 150 words. Six words — nowhere near.
I started padding. After "milk" I added "which is an essential source of calcium for the whole family." After "eggs," "and they are widely regarded as one of the most nutritious foods available." After "toilet paper," "since running out of it at home would be extremely inconvenient."
My wife leaned over to watch me write. "Are you making a shopping list, or an IELTS essay?"
"Hold on," I said without looking up. "Still thirty words short."
I tacked on a paragraph: "Furthermore, it is worth noting that these items should be purchased from a reliable supermarket, as the quality of fresh products may vary significantly between different shops."
Then I counted. 152 words. I exhaled and handed it over.
She read it for three seconds. "I asked you to buy milk, eggs, and toilet paper, and you handed me a Task 1 essay?"
"It clears 150 words," I said proudly. "Minimum requirement."
"So are you actually going to buy them?"
"Yes," I said. "But I need one more sentence to make it 160, just to be safe."
She snatched the list and crumpled it. "Keep this up and next time you leave me a note it'll be three parts: introduction, body, conclusion."
She was right.
That evening she asked if I'd be home for dinner. I texted back: "Regarding the question of whether I will be back for dinner, I would like to state that, due to unforeseen circumstances, a slight delay may be expected."
She replied instantly: "Talk like a human."
I stared at the screen for a long time. In IELTS writing, "talk like a human" loses you marks — it's not formal enough, not academic enough, and you'd never hit the word count.
— The worst side effect of IELTS writing: you never write a short sentence again. Even buying a carton of milk, you can't relax until it clears 150 words.
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