雅思搞笑故事 37：出分前我把F5键按穿了
雅思考完第十四天，我开始刷官网。
第一遍，正常操作。输身份证号，输密码，点登录。页面转圈。我安慰自己：刚考完，系统还没更新。
第十六天，我开始每五分钟刷一次。
手机放在左手边，电脑放在右手边，iPad放在腿上。三个设备同时刷，总有一个能先加载出来吧？
老婆说我有病。她说："出分时间是明天中午十二点，现在才早上八点。"
我说："万一提前了呢？万一系统半夜偷偷更新了呢？你不知道雅思官网的脾气——它从来不按时间表出牌。"
第十七秒。我刷新。
"成绩尚未公布。"
第三十二秒。我刷新。
"成绩尚未公布。"
第四十七秒。我刷新。
老婆把我手机收了。"你再刷，手机要吐了。"
我抢回来。"这不是普通的刷新，这是心态博弈。我刷得越勤，官网就越不好意思拖。"
上午十点，F5键开始有点不对劲。按下去回弹慢了半拍。
我心疼地吹了吹键盘。"老伙计，再撑四个小时。"
十一点半，我已经无法做任何其他事。吃饭？吃不下。看电视？看不进去。我唯一能做的事就是——刷新。
老婆做了面条。我一边吃面一边刷新。左手持筷，右手按F5。面汤溅到键盘上，F5键直接卡住了。
"完了。"我看着卡住的F5键，面无血色。
没有F5，我怎么活？
老婆把她的键盘递过来。"用我的。"
我接过键盘，感激涕零。然后想起一个更严重的问题：她的键盘F5键在右上角，我的在中间。肌肉记忆完全不对。
我每按一次都按成了F4。
F4是关闭窗口。
我眼睁睁看着浏览器窗口一个个关掉。
中午十二点整。我深吸一口气，双手放在正确的键位上，按下F5。
页面加载。
"成绩已公布。"
我的手在抖。点进成绩单页面。
Listening: 7.5. Reading: 8.0. Writing: 6.0. Speaking: 7.0.
总分：7.0。
Writing 6.0。
我盯着那个6.0看了十秒钟。然后做了一件所有雅思考生都会做的事——
我刷新了一下，想看看会不会变成6.5。
没变。
又刷新一下。
还是没变。
老婆走过来看了一眼："总分多少？"
"7.0。"
她欢呼。我没欢呼。我在想——如果Writing是6.5，总分就是7.5了。
然后我做了一件更离谱的事。我开始刷新成绩单页面，希望系统能把Writing的分数"刷上来"。
老婆把我从电脑前拉开："你疯了？"
我平静地说："我没疯。我只是发现一个问题。"
"什么问题？"
"雅思官网的F5键，可能真的能改分。只是我刷得不够用力。"
——雅思出分日最大的悲剧不是分数低，而是你刷了一百遍F5之后，发现键盘比你先崩溃。
English Version
On the fourteenth day after my IELTS exam, I started refreshing the official website.
The first time was normal. Enter ID number, enter password, click login. The page spun. I told myself: it just happened, the system hasn't updated yet.
By day sixteen, I was refreshing every five minutes.
Phone on my left, laptop on my right, iPad on my lap. Three devices refreshing simultaneously — surely one would load first.
My wife said I was sick. "Results come out tomorrow at noon. It's only eight in the morning."
I said: "What if they come early? What if the system updates in the middle of the night? You don't know how the IELTS website works — it never follows the schedule."
Seventeen seconds. I refreshed.
"Results not yet available."
Thirty-two seconds. I refreshed.
"Results not yet available."
Forty-seven seconds. I refreshed.
My wife took my phone away. "If you keep refreshing, the phone will throw up."
I grabbed it back. "This isn't ordinary refreshing. This is mind games. The more I refresh, the more awkward it'll be for them to delay."
By ten in the morning, the F5 key felt different. It was slow to spring back.
I blew on my keyboard affectionately. "Hang in there, old friend. Four more hours."
By eleven-thirty, I couldn't do anything else. Eat? Couldn't. Watch TV? Couldn't. The only thing I could do was — refresh.
My wife made noodles. I ate while refreshing. Chopsticks in my left hand, F5 in my right. Soup splashed onto the keyboard, and F5 jammed.
"Done for." I stared at the stuck F5, blood draining from my face.
Without F5, how was I supposed to live?
My wife handed me her keyboard. "Use mine."
I took it gratefully. Then I realised a bigger problem: her F5 is in the top-right corner. Mine is in the middle. My muscle memory was completely wrong.
Every time I pressed, I hit F4 instead.
F4 closes the window.
I watched, helpless, as browser windows closed one by one.
At noon sharp. I took a deep breath, placed my hands on the right keys, and pressed F5.
The page loaded.
"Results now available."
My hands were shaking. I clicked into the score report.
Listening: 7.5. Reading: 8.0. Writing: 6.0. Speaking: 7.0.
Overall: 7.0.
Writing 6.0.
I stared at that 6.0 for ten seconds. Then I did what every IELTS candidate does —
I refreshed, hoping it would turn into 6.5.
It didn't.
Refreshed again.
Still the same.
My wife walked over and glanced. "What was the overall?"
"7.0."
She cheered. I didn't. I was thinking — if Writing were 6.5, the overall would be 7.5.
Then I did something even crazier. I started refreshing the score report page, hoping the system would "refresh" my Writing score higher.
My wife pulled me away from the computer. "Are you insane?"
I said calmly: "I'm not insane. I just realised something."
"What?"
"The F5 key on the IELTS website might actually change scores. I just wasn't pressing it hard enough."
— The real tragedy of IELTS results day isn't a low score. It's discovering that your keyboard breaks before your willpower does.
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