雅思搞笑故事 38：我做梦都在说Furthermore，被老婆一脚踹醒
连续备考三个月后，我的英语开始渗透进睡眠。
第一天晚上，我梦见自己在考口语。考官问："What are the advantages of remote working?"
我在梦里微微一笑。这个话题我练了二十遍。
"Furthermore, it is evident that remote working enhances productivity, as employees are afforded greater autonomy over their schedules."
考官点了点头。我乘胜追击。
"Moreover, it is widely acknowledged that flexible working arrangements contribute to a better work-life balance, which in turn fosters higher levels of job satisfaction."
考官在打分表上写了个9。
我在梦里激动得差点跳起来。9分！口语9分！我终于可以——
老婆踹了我一脚。"你大半夜说什么外语呢？"
我醒了。天花板。月光。老婆愤怒的脸。
"我在做梦，"我说，"口语9分。"
"你刚才在说'furthermore, it is evident'，"她说，"我以为进贼了。"
第二天晚上，我故意不复习，想做个正常的梦。
没用。梦到考官问我："Describe a time you helped someone."
我在梦里侃侃而谈："To begin with, I would like to highlight an incident that occurred last summer, when I assisted an elderly gentleman who had inadvertently misplaced his belongings."
考官追问："And how did that make you feel?"
我下意识地用了五段式结构："Firstly, I felt a profound sense of fulfilment. Secondly, this experience reinforced my belief that small acts of kindness can have a disproportionately positive impact. Finally, it is worth noting that volunteering has been shown to improve mental well-being..."
老婆又踹了我一脚。"你能不能别在梦里写作文？"
第三天，我开始害怕睡觉。
因为梦越来越真实。我梦见自己在考口语Part 3，考官皱着眉头说："Could you elaborate on that?"
我在梦里开始argue："While it is true that some may argue otherwise, the evidence strongly suggests that..."
老婆把枕头砸在我脸上。"你是在吵架还是在睡觉？"
第四天晚上，我做了一个噩梦。
我梦见口语考试结束了。考官说："Thank you. Your result will be available in thirteen days."
我松了一口气。终于结束了。
然后考官补了一句："Actually, I'd like to ask one more follow-up question."
我在梦里崩溃了。Follow-up question？口语考试还有follow-up？
我猛地坐起来，浑身冷汗。老婆被吓醒了。"怎么了？"
"考官要追加提问。"
"那是梦。"
"万一是真的呢？"
老婆深吸一口气，用最平静的语气说："你听着。你现在在自己家的床上。没有考官。没有Furthermore。没有elaborate。你唯一需要回答的问题是——你要不要喝水。"
我说："Furthermore, it is evident that hydration is essential..."
老婆直接把被子卷走了。
——雅思口语备考的终极诅咒：你白天说的是人话，夜里说的是范文。而你老婆，是那个唯一的考官兼裁判。
English Version
After three months of intense preparation, English started seeping into my sleep.
On the first night, I dreamt I was in the speaking exam. The examiner asked: "What are the advantages of remote working?"
In my dream, I smiled calmly. I'd rehearsed this topic twenty times.
"Furthermore, it is evident that remote working enhances productivity, as employees are afforded greater autonomy over their schedules."
The examiner nodded. I pressed on.
"Moreover, it is widely acknowledged that flexible working arrangements contribute to a better work-life balance, which in turn fosters higher levels of job satisfaction."
The examiner wrote a 9 on the score sheet.
In my dream I nearly jumped out of my skin. A 9! Speaking 9! I could finally—
My wife kicked me. "What are you saying in a foreign language in the middle of the night?"
I woke up. Ceiling. Moonlight. My wife's furious face.
"I was dreaming," I said. "IELTS speaking, band 9."
"You were saying 'furthermore, it is evident'," she said. "I thought there was a burglar."
The second night, I deliberately didn't revise, hoping for a normal dream.
Pointless. I dreamt the examiner asked me: "Describe a time you helped someone."
In my dream, I rambled eloquently: "To begin with, I would like to highlight an incident that occurred last summer, when I assisted an elderly gentleman who had inadvertently misplaced his belongings."
The examiner pressed: "And how did that make you feel?"
I instinctively reached for a five-paragraph structure: "Firstly, I felt a profound sense of fulfilment. Secondly, this experience reinforced my belief that small acts of kindness can have a disproportionately positive impact. Finally, it is worth noting that volunteering has been shown to improve mental well-being..."
My wife kicked me again. "Can you please stop writing essays in your sleep?"
On the third day, I started dreading sleep.
Because the dreams were getting more vivid. I dreamt I was in Speaking Part 3, and the examiner frowned and said: "Could you elaborate on that?"
In my dream, I started arguing: "While it is true that some may argue otherwise, the evidence strongly suggests that..."
My wife threw a pillow at my face. "Are you fighting or sleeping?"
On the fourth night, I had a nightmare.
I dreamt the speaking test was over. The examiner said: "Thank you. Your result will be available in thirteen days."
I breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, it's over.
Then the examiner added: "Actually, I'd like to ask one more follow-up question."
I broke down in my dream. A follow-up question? There's a follow-up in IELTS speaking?
I shot up in bed, covered in cold sweat. My wife woke up startled. "What happened?"
"The examiner wants to ask a follow-up."
"That was a dream."
"What if it's real?"
My wife took a deep breath and said in her calmest voice: "Listen. You are in your own bed. There is no examiner. No furthermore. No elaborate. The only question you need to answer is — do you want water?"
I said: "Furthermore, it is evident that hydration is essential..."
My wife pulled the blanket off completely.
— The ultimate curse of IELTS speaking prep: you speak human language by day, and model answers by night. And your wife is the only examiner who also doubles as the judge.
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