雅思搞笑故事 08：听力地图题做魔怔了，我把整条街都标上了字母
雅思听力里最让人崩溃的题型，是地图标注题。
你面前一张空白地图，圆圈A、B、C、D散落在街道两边。录音里一个冷静的女声说："You are at the entrance. Go straight ahead, and you will see a library on your left..."
你跟着她走，笔在地图上疯狂画箭头。
练了两周之后，我走在街上，看什么都想标个字母。
那天我出门取快递，站在十字路口，突然不知道自己在哪儿。
我掏出手机准备导航。但手比脑子快——我先做了一件事：我在脑子里画了张地图。
我现在站的位置，是"entrance"。左边是一家奶茶店，右边是个公交站。正对面是个药店。
录音（也就是我脑子里那个女声）开始播放："You are at the crossing. Turn left, and you will see a beverage shop on your left..."
我盯着奶茶店。A。
"Opposite the beverage shop, there is a bus stop."
公交站。B。
"Between the bus stop and the pharmacy, you will find a narrow alley."
我转头看。还真有条小巷。C。
我越标越上头。路过的水果店——D。理发店——E。那个总在门口下棋的大爷——F。
我掏出笔，在快递单的背面画了张草图，把整条街标成了一张雅思地图。
一个保安走过来，盯着我手里的纸。"小伙子，你干嘛呢？"
我头也不抬。"我在定位。刚才录音说，从entrance直走，第三个路口右转。"
保安愣了三秒。"什么录音？"
我这才反应过来。周围很安静。没有女声。没有箭头。没有答题卡。
只有我，站在路边，对着一张快递单背面的地图自言自语。
保安凑近看了一眼。"你把我们小区标成A到F了？那栋楼是什么？"
"G。"我说，"因为它在alley的尽头，录音说'go to the end of the alley and turn right'。"
保安沉默了。然后他指了指身后的楼："那是我们居委会。你标它干嘛？"
"因为录音说它是landmark。"
保安看我的眼神，就像在看一个走丢的人。他小心翼翼地问："你是不是考试考傻了？"
我刚想回答，脑子里那个女声又响了："The speaker suggests that the visitor should..."
我下意识接话："Ask for directions."
保安叹了口气，掏出对讲机。"喂，值班室，门口有个年轻人，对着空气说英语，还把咱们楼标成G了……"
那天我最终也没取到快递。因为我站在路口，纠结了二十分钟：那个快递柜到底在公交站的北边还是南边？录音说"on the corner"，但corner有四个方向。
雅思听力从来不会告诉你是哪个corner。
——地图题教我认遍了剑桥15的每一条街，却没教我在真实世界里往哪拐。
English Version
The most soul-crushing question type in IELTS listening is map labelling.
You're staring at a blank map. Circles A, B, C, D are scattered along both sides of the street. A calm female voice says, "You are at the entrance. Go straight ahead, and you will see a library on your left..."
You follow her, frantically drawing arrows on the map.
After two weeks of practice, I started seeing letters on every building I walked past.
That day I went out to pick up a parcel. I stood at the crossroads and suddenly had no idea where I was.
I pulled out my phone to use the navigation. But my hand moved faster than my brain — the first thing I did was draw a map in my head.
I was standing at the "entrance." On my left, a bubble tea shop. On my right, a bus stop. Straight ahead, a pharmacy.
The recording — the female voice in my head — started playing: "You are at the crossing. Turn left, and you will see a beverage shop on your left..."
I stared at the bubble tea shop. A.
"Opposite the beverage shop, there is a bus stop."
Bus stop. B.
"Between the bus stop and the pharmacy, you will find a narrow alley."
I turned. There really was a narrow alley. C.
I couldn't stop. The fruit shop I passed — D. The barber shop — E. The old man who always plays chess at the gate — F.
I pulled out a pen and sketched a rough map on the back of the delivery slip, turning the whole street into an IELTS map.
A security guard walked over and stared at the paper in my hand. "Son, what are you doing?"
I didn't look up. "I'm locating. The recording says: from the entrance, go straight, turn right at the third intersection."
The guard paused for three seconds. "What recording?"
That's when it hit me. It was quiet around me. No female voice. No arrows. No answer sheet.
Just me, standing on the sidewalk, talking to myself over a map on the back of a delivery slip.
The guard leaned in. "You labelled our whole neighbourhood A to F? What's that building?"
"G," I said. "Because it's at the end of the alley. The recording says 'go to the end of the alley and turn right.'"
The guard went quiet. Then he pointed at the building behind him. "That's our neighbourhood committee. Why did you label it?"
"Because the recording said it's a landmark."
The guard looked at me like I was someone who'd gotten lost. He asked carefully, "Have you been studying too hard for this exam?"
I was about to answer when the voice in my head spoke again: "The speaker suggests that the visitor should..."
I automatically finished: "Ask for directions."
The guard sighed and pulled out his walkie-talkie. "Hello, control room, there's a young man at the gate talking to thin air in English, and he's labelled our building G..."
In the end I never picked up the parcel. Because I stood at that intersection for twenty minutes, stuck on one question: was the parcel locker north or south of the bus stop? The recording said "on the corner" — but a corner has four directions.
IELTS listening never tells you which corner.
— Map labelling taught me every street in Cambridge 15, but it never taught me which way to turn in the real world.
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