雅思搞笑故事 16：我把每天早上，画成了一张流程图
事情要从我做完第五十套流程图题说起。
流程图的规则我背得滚瓜烂熟：箭头方向不能错；每个空只能填原文出现过的词；字数限制通常是 NO MORE THAN TWO WORDS；如果箭头是从 A 指向 B，那 B 一定是 A 的下一步，不能跳步。
做完五十套之后，我看什么都像流程图。
早上七点，闹钟响。
我坐起来，第一件事不是关闹钟，而是在脑子里画框。
【起床】→（步骤1）→【睁眼】→（步骤2）→【？】
原文（也就是我过去三百天的早晨记录）告诉我，睁眼之后，下一步是"摸手机"。
对。填空：摸手机。
我伸手摸手机。屏幕亮，七条未读消息。但流程图还没走完，我不能看。
【摸手机】→（步骤3）→【？】
原文：摸手机之后，是"关闹钟"。
填空：关闹钟。
我按掉闹钟。
【关闹钟】→（步骤4）→【？】
这里我卡了一下。
过去三百天的早晨，关闹钟之后有两个分支。晴天：下床。阴天：再躺五分钟。
我掀开窗帘看了一眼。晴天。
填空：下床。
我下床。脚刚碰到地板，我又停住了。
不对。流程图题里，一旦出现分支，必须有一个判断节点。判断条件是什么？
原文（天气APP）：今天晴，气温十八度。
十八度。这不是起床的判断条件。起床的判断条件应该是——闹钟响了没？
闹钟已经响了。那为什么我会有"再躺五分钟"这个分支？
我重新看了一遍流程图。哦，原来"再躺五分钟"不是分支，是干扰项。流程图题里，凡是听起来合理但原文没出现过的，都是干扰项。
我刚才自己加了一个分支。
我深吸一口气，把"再躺五分钟"从流程图里划掉。
【下床】→（步骤5）→【刷牙】
好，到刷牙了。这一段我最熟。
【刷牙】→（步骤6）→【？】
原文（也就是我过去三百天的早晨）：刷牙之前要"挤牙膏"。不对，顺序反了。挤牙膏是刷牙的前置步骤。
我重新画：
【拿起牙刷】→（步骤6a）→【挤牙膏】→（步骤6b）→【？】
6b 是什么？原文：刷三十秒。
不对。原文说的是"上下刷"，不是"三十秒"。"三十秒"是牙医说的，不是我自己的早晨记录。
填空：上下刷。
我开始上下刷。刷到第二十下，我又停了。
不对。流程图题里，动词必须和原文一致。原文（镜子里的我）说的是"刷牙"，不是"上下刷"。我把方式当成了步骤。
我重新改。
【拿起牙刷】→（步骤6a）→【挤牙膏】→（步骤6b）→【刷牙】→（步骤6c）→【漱口】
对。这样才对。
我漱完口，抬头看镜子里的自己。
我站在卫生间里，穿着睡衣，嘴里全是牙膏沫，手里拿着牙刷，脑子里还在画框。
我突然意识到一个问题。
我花了二十分钟，把"起床—下床—刷牙"这件三岁小孩都会做的事，拆成了七个步骤，填了六个空，划掉了一个干扰项，还修正了一个动词。
而我真实的早晨，从闹钟响到出门，总共只需要十五分钟。
也就是说——我用流程图题的思维，把自己本来十五分钟能做完的事，做了二十分钟。
我走出卫生间，看了一眼手机。
八点十五。
完蛋。迟到了。
我抓起包往外跑。跑到电梯口，又停住了。
不对。流程图最后一步是什么？
原文（妈妈的话）：出门之前，"检查钥匙"。
对。填空：检查钥匙。
我摸了摸口袋。钥匙在。
【检查钥匙】→（步骤7）→【？】
最后一步。原文：出门。
我按了电梯。电梯门开了，我走进去。
电梯里一个邻居看我，问："你今天怎么这么慌？"
我想了想。
流程图里没有"回答邻居"这一步。这是原文没出现过的内容。
NOT GIVEN。
我笑了笑，没说话。
——做了五十套流程图之后，我把生活拆成了箭头和方框。可流程图题里每个空都有标准答案，真实生活里，你一旦开始按步骤刷牙，就已经迟到了。
English Version
It started after I'd finished my fiftieth set of flow-chart completion questions.
I knew the rules by heart: the arrows must point the right way; each blank must use a word that actually appears in the text; the word limit is usually NO MORE THAN TWO WORDS; if the arrow goes from A to B, then B must be the next step after A — no skipping.
After fifty sets, everything I looked at started to look like a flow chart.
Seven in the morning. Alarm goes off.
I sat up. The first thing I did wasn't turn off the alarm — it was start drawing boxes in my head.
[Wake up] →(step 1)→ [Open eyes] →(step 2)→ [?]
The original text — which is my own morning record from the past three hundred days — tells me: after opening my eyes, the next step is "reach for phone."
Right. Fill in: reach for phone.
I reached for the phone. Screen lit up. Seven unread messages. But the flow chart isn't done yet — I can't read them.
[Reach for phone] →(step 3)→ [?]
The original text: after reaching for the phone, it's "turn off alarm."
Fill in: turn off alarm.
I swiped it off.
[Turn off alarm] →(step 4)→ [?]
Here I hesitated.
In my past three hundred mornings, after turning off the alarm there were two branches. Sunny day: get out of bed. Overcast: lie down for five more minutes.
I pulled back the curtain and looked. Sunny.
Fill in: get out of bed.
I got out of bed. Feet hit the floor, and I stopped again.
No. In flow-chart questions, whenever there's a branch, there must be a decision node. What's the condition?
The original text (weather app): sunny today, eighteen degrees.
Eighteen degrees. That's not the condition for getting out of bed. The condition for getting out of bed should be — did the alarm go off?
It did. So why do I have this "lie down for five more minutes" branch?
I looked at the flow chart again. Oh — "lie down for five more minutes" isn't a branch, it's a distractor. In flow-chart questions, anything that sounds reasonable but doesn't appear in the original text is a distractor.
I'd added a branch myself.
I took a deep breath and crossed out "lie down for five more minutes."
[Get out of bed] →(step 5)→ [Brush teeth]
Good. Brushing teeth. I know this one well.
[Brush teeth] →(step 6)→ [?]
The original text (my own mornings from the past three hundred days): before brushing, you "squeeze toothpaste." No — that's the wrong order. Squeezing toothpaste is a pre-step to brushing.
I redrew it:
[Pick up toothbrush] →(step 6a)→ [Squeeze toothpaste] →(step 6b)→ [?]
What's 6b? The original text: brush for thirty seconds.
No. The original text says "brush up and down," not "thirty seconds." "Thirty seconds" is what the dentist said, not my own morning record.
Fill in: brush up and down.
I started brushing up and down. Twenty strokes in, I stopped again.
No. In flow-chart questions, the verb must match the original. The original text (me in the mirror) says "brush teeth," not "brush up and down." I mistook the method for the step.
I corrected it again.
[Pick up toothbrush] →(step 6a)→ [Squeeze toothpaste] →(step 6b)→ [Brush teeth] →(step 6c)→ [Rinse mouth]
Right. That's correct.
I rinsed and looked up at myself in the mirror.
I was standing in the bathroom, in pajamas, covered in toothpaste foam, holding a toothbrush, still drawing boxes in my head.
And then I realised something.
I'd spent twenty minutes breaking "get up — get out of bed — brush teeth" — something a three-year-old can do — into seven steps, filling in six blanks, crossing out one distractor, and correcting one verb.
My actual morning, from alarm to walking out the door, only takes fifteen minutes.
In other words — using flow-chart thinking, I'd stretched something that should take fifteen minutes into twenty.
I walked out of the bathroom and looked at my phone.
Eight fifteen.
Damn. Late.
I grabbed my bag and ran for the door. At the elevator, I stopped again.
No. What's the last step of the flow chart?
The original text (my mom's words): before leaving the house, "check keys."
Right. Fill in: check keys.
I patted my pocket. Keys were there.
[Check keys] →(step 7)→ [?]
The final step. The original text: walk out the door.
I pressed the elevator. The doors opened and I stepped in.
A neighbour inside looked at me. "Why are you in such a rush today?"
I thought about it.
The flow chart doesn't have a "answer the neighbour" step. That's content that doesn't appear in the original text.
NOT GIVEN.
I smiled and said nothing.
— After fifty sets of flow-chart questions, I broke my life down into arrows and boxes. But in flow-chart questions every blank has a definitive answer; in real life, the moment you start brushing your teeth by steps, you're already late.
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