雅思搞笑故事 23：写作连贯练过头，我给朋友发短信都用furthermore
写作老师说：要拿高分，句子之间不能是散的，要用衔接词串起来——firstly, furthermore, moreover, in addition, consequently, as a result。
我把这套连接词背得滚瓜烂熟。
第一天，朋友发消息："周末出来吃饭？"
我回："Firstly, I'd love to. Furthermore, I've been wanting to catch up. However, I have to finish my essay. Therefore, how about next Saturday?"
朋友回了个问号。
我以为他没看懂，又补了一句："In addition, let me know if that works for you."
他没再回。
第二天，同事在群里问："有人带充电器吗？"
我立刻打字："Furthermore, I have one in my drawer. In addition, you can also borrow a cable. As a result, your phone will be fully charged by the time you get back."
群里安静了三分钟。有人私聊我："你最近写论文写魔怔了？"
第三天，我妈打电话来，开口就是："儿子，你王阿姨给你介绍了个对象——"
我下意识地用起衔接词："Firstly, Mom, I appreciate that. Moreover, I'm not ready for a relationship. Consequently, please tell Aunt Wang I'm grateful."
电话那头沉默了。"你跟我说中文。"
最惨的是第四天。女朋友发消息："你是不是不爱我了？你今天都没怎么理我。"
我认真分析了她的情绪，然后开始组织一篇结构完整的回复：
"Firstly, I am fully aware that I've been distant lately. Furthermore, this is not a reflection of my feelings toward you. In addition, I've been under pressure with the exam. Consequently, I need you to understand that I still care about you. Therefore, could we discuss this in person?"
她回了一个字："滚。"
然后把我拉黑了。
我看着那个红色感叹号，突然意识到：我把短信写成了一篇雅思大作文，结构完美，衔接词满分，感情零分。
后来我想改，可一打字，"Furthermore"就自动弹出来。
老师说连贯是灵魂。可我的灵魂，现在卡在furthermore里出不来了。
——雅思写作最大的后遗症：你对朋友说出"therefore"的那一刻，你们的友谊就已经 consequently 地结束了。
English Version
My writing teacher said: to score high, your sentences can't be scattered. You have to tie them together with linking words — firstly, furthermore, moreover, in addition, consequently, as a result.
I memorised the whole set until it was automatic.
Day one, a friend texted: "Dinner this weekend?"
I replied: "Firstly, I'd love to. Furthermore, I've been wanting to catch up. However, I have to finish my essay. Therefore, how about next Saturday?"
My friend sent back a question mark.
Thinking he hadn't understood, I added: "In addition, let me know if that works for you."
He never replied.
Day two, a colleague asked in the group chat: "Anyone got a charger?"
I typed instantly: "Furthermore, I have one in my drawer. In addition, you can also borrow a cable. As a result, your phone will be fully charged by the time you get back."
The group went quiet for three minutes. Someone private-messaged me: "Have you lost it over this essay?"
Day three, my mom called and opened with: "Son, Aunt Wang set you up on a blind date—"
I instinctively deployed the connective tissue: "Firstly, Mom, I appreciate that. Moreover, I'm not ready for a relationship. Consequently, please tell Aunt Wang I'm grateful."
Silence on the line. "Just speak Chinese."
The worst was day four. My girlfriend texted: "Do you even love me anymore? You barely talked to me today."
I carefully analysed her feelings, then composed a structurally flawless reply:
"Firstly, I am fully aware that I've been distant lately. Furthermore, this is not a reflection of my feelings toward you. In addition, I've been under pressure with the exam. Consequently, I need you to understand that I still care about you. Therefore, could we discuss this in person?"
She sent one word: "滚 (get lost)."
Then blocked me.
I stared at the red exclamation mark and realised: I'd turned a text message into an IELTS Task 2 essay — perfect structure, full marks on cohesion, zero marks on emotion.
I tried to fix it later, but the moment I started typing, "Furthermore" just popped out on its own.
My teacher said coherence is the soul. But my soul is now stuck inside a furthermore, and it can't get out.
— The worst side effect of IELTS writing: the moment you say "therefore" to a friend, your friendship has already consequently come to an end.
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