雅思搞笑故事 30：介词狂魔，我说 depend on 的时候有人敢说 depend of 我就翻脸
介词背多了，我的耳朵变成了介词雷达。
早上出门，室友打电话："I depend of my alarm clock to wake me up."
我瞬间站住了。"Depend on。不是 depend of。"
室友把手机拿开，看了一眼屏幕，又放回去。"我在打电话。"
"我不管你在打给谁。Depend on，固定搭配。你不能说 depend of。"
"好好好，depend on。你让我先打完。"
我转身走了。但我嘴里还在念叨：rely on，count on，depend on，on，on，on。
到了公司，同事跟我说："I'm good in English."
我立刻纠正："Good at。Be good at English，不是 be good in。"
"我只是说我英语不错。"
"你的英语好不好我不知道，但你的介词用错了。Be good at 是固定搭配，后接技能。Be good in 一般接场所，比如 be good in the classroom，意思是你在教室里表现好。"
同事深吸一口气。"那我应该说什么？"
"你应该说 'I'm good at English.' 或者谦虚一点，'I'm working on it.'"
"谢谢你，介词警察。"
我不是介词警察。我只是对介词过敏。
中午吃饭，朋友跟我抱怨："My boss always complains about me."
我点点头。这个对。complain about，正确。
然后她补了一句："He always explains me why I'm wrong."
我放下筷子。"Explains to me。Explain 后面要加 to 才能接人。你不能直接说 explain me。你要说 explains to me why I'm wrong。"
"为什么？"
"因为 explain 是不及物动词加介词的用法。你不能 explain someone something。你要 explain something to someone。"
朋友看着我，缓缓地说："你能不能让我把抱怨吃完？"
下午开会，经理说："We need to discuss about the budget."
我举手。"Discuss。及物动词。直接接宾语，不加 about。你要说 discuss the budget，不是 discuss about the budget。"
经理的表情凝固了。"我刚才说什么？"
"We need to discuss the budget. 把 about 去掉。"
整个会议室鸦雀无声。
经理沉默了五秒。"OK. We need to discuss the budget. 还有别的问题吗？"
我满意地坐下了。但我注意到旁边的同事在翻白眼。
晚上回家，女朋友视频过来，语气委屈："I listened at your voicemail, but I didn't understand what you said."
我整个人弹了起来。
"Listen to！不是 listen at！Listen to voicemail。Listen to me。Listen to 是固定搭配，加 to，不加 at。"
女朋友愣了一下。"我刚才在跟你撒娇。"
"撒娇也要用对介词。"
"你到底是在关心我，还是在批改我的语法？"
我想了想。这两个问题好像不一样。
但我来不及回答，因为我脑子里已经开始自动播放介词表了：
- depend on, listen to, look at, wait for
- good at, interested in, afraid of, worried about
- arrive at, arrive in, listen to, depend on
- 不对，我刚才说过 listen to 了。
然后我意识到一个问题：我已经把每一句对话都当成了介词填空题。别人说一句话，我脑子里自动把介词空出来，然后填回去，然后判断对错。
最恐怖的是昨晚。我梦到自己在考口语。考官问我："Can you tell me about your hometown?"
我张嘴就来："My hometown is located in the north. It's famous for its food. People there are very friendly to visitors."
考官点点头。然后他问："Do you like living there?"
我张嘴："Yes, I'm very interested—"
然后我醒了。因为我突然意识到：interested in，我还没说 in！
——介词学到走火入魔是什么体验？你女朋友委屈巴巴地说"我听了你的语音"，你的第一反应不是心疼，而是纠正她：是 listen to，不是 listen at。
English Version
After memorising too many preposition collocations, my ears became a preposition radar.
This morning, my roommate was on the phone: "I depend of my alarm clock to wake me up."
I froze instantly. "Depend on. Not depend of."
My roommate pulled the phone away, checked the screen, and put it back. "I'm on a call."
"I don't care who you're talking to. Depend on. Fixed collocation. You can't say 'depend of.'"
"Fine, fine, depend on. Let me finish."
I walked away. But I was still muttering under my breath: rely on, count on, depend on, on, on, on.
At work, a colleague said to me, "I'm good in English."
I corrected instantly: "Good at. Be good at English, not be good in."
"I was just saying my English is decent."
"I don't know how good your English is, but your preposition is wrong. 'Be good at' takes a skill. 'Be good in' usually takes a place — like 'be good in the classroom,' meaning you behave well there."
My colleague took a deep breath. "Then what should I say?"
"You should say 'I'm good at English.' Or modestly, 'I'm working on it.'"
"Thank you, preposition police."
I'm not preposition police. I'm just allergic to wrong prepositions.
At lunch, a friend complained to me, "My boss always complains about me."
I nodded. That's correct. Complain about — right.
Then she added, "He always explains me why I'm wrong."
I put down my chopsticks. "Explains to me. 'Explain' needs 'to' before a person. You can't say 'explain me.' You say 'explains to me why I'm wrong.'"
"Why?"
"Because 'explain' works with a preposition. You can't explain someone something. You explain something to someone."
My friend looked at me and said slowly, "Can I just finish complaining?"
In a meeting, the manager said, "We need to discuss about the budget."
I raised my hand. "Discuss. Transitive verb. Takes a direct object, no 'about.' You say 'discuss the budget,' not 'discuss about the budget.'"
The manager's expression froze. "What did I just say?"
"We need to discuss the budget. Remove the 'about.'"
The whole room was silent.
The manager paused for five seconds. "OK. We need to discuss the budget. Anything else?"
I sat back down, satisfied. But I noticed the colleague next to me rolling their eyes.
I got home that evening. My girlfriend video-called me, sounding upset: "I listened at your voicemail, but I didn't understand what you said."
I sprang to attention.
"Listen to! Not listen at! Listen to voicemail. Listen to me. 'Listen to' is a fixed collocation. It takes 'to,' not 'at.'"
My girlfriend paused. "I was being vulnerable with you."
"Even being vulnerable requires the correct preposition."
"Are you caring about me, or are you grading my grammar?"
I thought about it. Those seemed like two different questions.
But I didn't have time to answer, because my brain had started auto-playing the preposition table:
- depend on, listen to, look at, wait for
- good at, interested in, afraid of, worried about
- arrive at, arrive in, listen to, depend on
- wait, I already said listen to.
Then I realised something: I'd turned every conversation into a preposition gap-fill. Someone says a sentence, my brain automatically blanks out the preposition, fills it back in, and judges it right or wrong.
The scariest part was last night. I dreamt I was in the speaking test. The examiner asked, "Can you tell me about your hometown?"
I opened my mouth: "My hometown is located in the north. It's famous for its food. People there are very friendly to visitors."
The examiner nodded. Then he asked, "Do you like living there?"
I opened my mouth: "Yes, I'm very interested—"
Then I woke up. Because I suddenly realised: interested in — I hadn't said the "in" yet!
— What happens when prepositions take over your brain? When your girlfriend says, all upset, "I listened to your voicemail," your first reaction isn't to comfort her — it's to correct her: it's "listen to," not "listen at."
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