雅思搞笑故事 32：进考场前跟保安练自我介绍，保安以为我是神经病
考试那天我起得特别早。
不是因为紧张，是因为我想在门口再磨磨嘴皮子。口语最怕开场卡壳，"my name is..."必须练成肌肉记忆。
我站在考场外，对着空气小声练："Good morning, my name is Li Hua, I am twenty-eight years old..."
旁边一个保安大爷走过来，盯着我看。
我没理他，继续练："I come from Yinchuan, a beautiful city in the northwest..."
保安大爷凑近了一步。"小伙子，你跟谁说话呢？"
"练口语，"我头也不抬，"Good morning, my name is..."
"你叫啥？"保安大爷认真地问。
我愣了一下。他在考我？太好了，免费模拟考官！
"My name is Li Hua，"我微笑着，字正腔圆，"I am twenty-eight years old, and I am very happy to be here today."
保安大爷的脸色变了。他慢慢退了半步，手摸向腰间的对讲机。
"你……你没事吧？"他问。
"Thank you for asking，"我还在状态里，"I have prepared for this test for three months..."
"老张！"保安大爷对着对讲机喊，"门口有个小伙子，一直对着空气说英语，看着不太对！"
我这才反应过来。他不是考官，他是真的以为我疯了。
我赶紧闭嘴，掏出准考证。"大爷，我是来考试的。"
保安大爷半信半疑地看了准考证，又看了看我。"考试？那你跟空气说啥呢？"
"练口语。"
他摇摇头，让开了路。"现在的考生，压力是真大。"
我走进考场，心里美滋滋。开场第一句，我已经对着保安大爷练了八遍，绝对不会卡壳。
结果坐下之后，考官抬头看了我一眼，第一句话是："Can you tell me your full name, please?"
我张嘴。
"My name is..."
脑子里突然闪过保安大爷对讲机里那句"门口有个小伙子看着不太对"。
我笑场了。
考官面无表情地看着我笑了整整十秒。
——雅思口语最尴尬的不是开场卡壳，是你对着保安大爷练了八遍的自我介绍，一见到真考官就笑场。
English Version
I woke up way too early on exam day.
Not because I was nervous — because I wanted one last run at my opening lines outside the door. The worst thing in the speaking test is freezing up at the very first sentence. "My name is..." had to become muscle memory.
I stood outside the test centre, rehearsing quietly to the air: "Good morning, my name is Li Hua, I am twenty-eight years old..."
A security guard walked over and stared at me.
I ignored him and kept going: "I come from Yinchuan, a beautiful city in the northwest..."
He leaned in a step closer. "Young man, who are you talking to?"
"Practising my speaking," I said without looking up. "Good morning, my name is..."
"What's your name?" he asked, dead serious.
I paused. Was he testing me? Free mock examiner — excellent!
"My name is Li Hua," I said, smiling and enunciating every syllable. "I am twenty-eight years old, and I am very happy to be here today."
The guard's face changed. He stepped back half a pace and reached for the radio on his belt.
"You... you alright?" he asked.
"Thank you for asking," I was still in character. "I have prepared for this test for three months..."
"Old Zhang!" he spoke into the radio. "There's a young man at the door, talking to thin air in English. Doesn't look right!"
That was when it hit me. He wasn't an examiner. He genuinely thought I'd lost it.
I shut up fast and pulled out my admission ticket. "Sir, I'm here for the exam."
He squinted at the ticket, then at me. "An exam? Then what were you saying to the air?"
"Practising my speaking."
He shook his head and stepped aside. "These exam candidates, the pressure is really something."
I walked in feeling brilliant. My opening line — I'd run it past the security guard eight times. Not a chance I'd freeze.
Then I sat down, the examiner looked up, and the first thing he said was: "Can you tell me your full name, please?"
I opened my mouth.
"My name is..."
And suddenly I heard the guard's voice in my head: "There's a young man at the door, doesn't look right."
I burst out laughing.
The examiner stared at me, completely deadpan, while I laughed for a full ten seconds.
— The most embarrassing thing about IELTS speaking isn't freezing at the opening line. It's rehearsing your self-introduction eight times against a security guard, then losing it the second the real examiner sits down.
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