雅思搞笑故事 24：同义替换练到走火入魔，我说"好"必须绕三个弯
老师说：雅思最忌讳重复原文词，一定要同义替换——"important"不能说important，要说crucial、vital、of great significance。"good"不能说好，要说beneficial、positive、favourable。
我练了三个月，看到任何词都想替换。
早上买早餐，老板问："鸡蛋要几个？"
我张嘴就来："I would like to procure a couple of ovum products, approximately two in quantity."
老板看了我一眼："几个？"
"Two." 我放弃了替换。
到了公司，同事问我："昨晚那部电影怎么样？"
我本来想说"很好看"。但"good"太普通了。
"It was, to a certain extent, a cinematic production that evoked a myriad of favourable sentiments within my cognitive framework."
同事愣了三秒："所以是好看还是不好看？"
我痛苦地发现：我已经不会直接说"好看"了。
中午吃饭，朋友问我："这个菜好吃吗？"
我深吸一口气："The gustatory experience was, on the whole, rather palatable, exhibiting a degree of flavour complexity that one might characterise as moderately positive."
朋友放下筷子："你直接说好吃会死吗？"
晚上回家，我妈问我："今天累不累？"
我脱口而出："To be utterly candid, my energy reserves have been, to a certain degree, somewhat depleted."
我妈把一碗汤塞到我手里："说人话。"
最可怕的是做梦。我梦见自己在考口语，考官问："Do you like reading?"
我脱口而出："Reading is an activity that I find to possess a considerable number of advantageous attributes..."
考官打了个哈欠。
我醒了。冷汗直流。
我拿起手机，想给朋友发"今天好累"。打了三遍，都变成了"我目前的生理与精神状态处于一种相对欠载的状态"。
最后我删掉，只发了一个句号。
老师说同义替换是高分的钥匙。可这把钥匙，现在把我锁在了一个一句人话都说不出来的世界里。
——雅思同义替换最大的陷阱：当你连"好"都要说成"a myriad of positive sentiments"的时候，你不是词汇量大了，你是已经不会说人话了。
English Version
My teacher said: the cardinal sin of IELTS is repeating the original word. You must paraphrase — never say "important," say crucial, vital, of great significance. Never say "good," say beneficial, positive, favourable.
I drilled it for three months. Now every word I see triggers a replacement reflex.
Morning, buying breakfast. The vendor asked: "How many eggs?"
I blurted out: "I would like to procure a couple of ovum products, approximately two in quantity."
He stared at me. "How many?"
"Two." I gave up on paraphrasing.
At the office, a colleague asked: "How was that movie last night?"
I wanted to say "great." But "good" is too basic.
"It was, to a certain extent, a cinematic production that evoked a myriad of favourable sentiments within my cognitive framework."
He blinked for three seconds. "So was it good or not?"
I realised, in agony: I no longer knew how to just say "good."
Lunch. A friend asked: "Is this dish tasty?"
I took a deep breath: "The gustatory experience was, on the whole, rather palatable, exhibiting a degree of flavour complexity that one might characterise as moderately positive."
He put down his chopsticks. "Would it kill you to just say 'delicious'?"
Evening, back home. My mom asked: "Tired today?"
I blurted out: "To be utterly candid, my energy reserves have been, to a certain degree, somewhat depleted."
She shoved a bowl of soup into my hands. "Speak human."
The scariest part was the dream. I dreamt I was in the speaking test, and the examiner asked: "Do you like reading?"
I answered instantly: "Reading is an activity that I find to possess a considerable number of advantageous attributes..."
The examiner yawned.
I woke up. Cold sweat.
I grabbed my phone to text a friend "I'm exhausted today." I typed it three times; every time it came out as "my current physiological and psychological state exists in a relatively depleted condition."
In the end I deleted it and just sent a full stop.
My teacher said paraphrasing is the key to a high score. But that key has now locked me inside a world where I can't say a single sentence like a human being.
— The biggest trap of IELTS paraphrasing: when even "good" has to come out as "a myriad of positive sentiments," your vocabulary hasn't grown — you've simply forgotten how to speak like a person.
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