雅思搞笑故事 25：GRE词汇背太多，我去餐厅点菜服务员一脸茫然

我买了一本GRE词汇书，想着雅思写作里甩几个大词，肯定加分。

于是我开始疯狂替换：big→enormous, happy→ecstatic, tired→exhausted, important→paramount, problem→dilemma。

三个月后，我的词汇量像吹了气一样膨胀。

周末和朋友去西餐厅。服务员递上菜单："Welcome. Are you ready to order?"

我清了清嗓子，决定展示一下："I would like to commence my culinary experience with a bowl of the most pellucid and flavourful broth you have to offer."

服务员眨了眨眼："Sorry?"

"For starters，"我耐心重复，"a soup. Preferably a consommé, if your kitchen possesses such a culinary capability."

服务员有点懵："So... soup?"

"Precisely."

朋友在桌子底下踢我，我没理。

主菜。服务员问："And for the main course?"

我翻开菜单，指着牛排："I'll have the bovine sirloin, medium-rare, accompanied by a side of your most exquisitely roasted tubers."

服务员僵住了："Bovine... sirloin?"

"Yes. The sirloin cut of a cow." 我好心解释。

"Um. How would you like that cooked?"

"A sanguinary interior, a caramelised exterior." 我微笑。

服务员转头看向朋友，眼神在求救。朋友只好帮我翻译："牛排，五分熟。配土豆。"

服务员如蒙大赦，小跑着离开了。

吃完甜点，服务员过来："Anything else?"

我满意地说："The repast was, on the whole, rather commensurate with my gastronomic expectations. I shall now proceed to remunerate."

朋友再次救场："结账。"

服务员把账单拿来，犹豫了一下，小声问朋友："他……是外国人吗？"

朋友摇摇头："中国人。最近背单词背多了。"

走出餐厅，我得意地问朋友："我刚才那几个词，够不够七分？"

朋友说："够。服务员的表情，零分。"

——雅思词汇最大的错觉：你以为大词能加分，现实是服务员听不懂，朋友想拉黑，你点个菜像在做学术报告。

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English Version

I bought a GRE vocabulary book, figuring that dropping a few big words into my IELTS essay would surely earn me bonus points.

So I started replacing everything: big → enormous, happy → ecstatic, tired → exhausted, important → paramount, problem → dilemma.

Three months later, my vocabulary had inflated like a balloon.

At a Western restaurant with friends on the weekend. The server handed me the menu: "Welcome. Are you ready to order?"

I cleared my throat, ready to show off: "I would like to commence my culinary experience with a bowl of the most pellucid and flavourful broth you have to offer."

The server blinked. "Sorry?"

"For starters," I repeated patiently, "a soup. Preferably a consommé, if your kitchen possesses such a culinary capability."

The server looked confused. "So... soup?"

"Precisely."

My friend kicked me under the table. I ignored him.

Main course. The server asked: "And for the main course?"

I opened the menu and pointed at the steak: "I'll have the bovine sirloin, medium-rare, accompanied by a side of your most exquisitely roasted tubers."

The server froze. "Bovine... sirloin?"

"Yes. The sirloin cut of a cow," I helpfully explained.

"Um. How would you like that cooked?"

"A sanguinary interior, a caramelised exterior." I smiled.

The server turned to my friend, eyes silently begging for help. My friend translated for me: "Steak, medium-rare. With potatoes."

The server looked utterly relieved and scurried away.

After dessert, the server came over: "Anything else?"

I said contentedly: "The repast was, on the whole, rather commensurate with my gastronomic expectations. I shall now proceed to remunerate."

My friend stepped in again: "The bill, please."

The server brought the bill, hesitated, then whispered to my friend: "Is he... a foreigner?"

My friend shook his head. "Chinese. He's been overdoing the vocabulary."

Walking out, I asked my friend proudly: "Those words I just used — would that get a seven?"

He said: "Yes. The server's face? Zero."

— The biggest delusion of IELTS vocabulary: you think big words earn you points. In reality, the server doesn't understand, your friend wants to block you, and ordering a meal becomes an academic conference.

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