雅思搞笑故事 26：搭配练到走火入魔，我纠正陌生人被打了一顿
老师说：雅思写作和口语最丢分的就是搭配错误。你不能说"do a decision"，必须是"make a decision"；不能说"open the light"，必须是"turn on the light"；不能说"big rain"，必须是"heavy rain"。
我把collocation表背得比课文还熟。
第一周，我开始在生活里到处找搭配错误。
同事开会说："我们要do a decision。"
我立刻举手："Excuse me, it's 'make a decision', not 'do a decision'."
全办公室看向我。同事尴尬地笑了笑："谢谢提醒。"
第二天，地铁上一个大叔打电话："我今晚要do some work。"
我没忍住，凑过去："Sir, actually 'work' is correct, but just so you know, we never say 'do a decision'—"
大叔挂了电话，瞪了我一眼。
第三天，餐厅里隔壁桌一个老外对服务员说："I want to open the light, it's too dark."
我正义感爆棚，走过去："Excuse me. We don't say 'open the light' in English. It's 'turn on the light'."
老外看了我一眼，对服务员说："Can you turn on the light, please?" 然后回头对我说："Thanks. You're the third Chinese person to correct my English this week."
我得意地回到座位。朋友脸都绿了。
最惨的是第四天。健身房里，一个大叔边跑边喘："I need to make a progress report... 不对，我得做个进度汇报。"
我脱口而出："Sir! It's 'make progress', no article. 'Make a progress' is wrong. Progress is uncountable."
大叔停下来，摘下耳机："你说啥？"
"Your collocation is wrong. You should say 'make progress', not 'make a progress'."
大叔看了看我，又看了看旁边的哑铃。他随手拿起一个，二十公斤。
"你是来健身房锻炼的，还是来给我上语法课的？"
我还想解释："Actually, the collocation 'make progress' is—"
后来的事，我记不太清了。只记得躺在地上的时候，脑子里还在转："He hit me... with what? We don't say 'make a punch'. We say 'throw a punch'."
我又纠正了一个搭配。
——雅思搭配训练最大的悲剧：你纠对了一万个搭配，最后被一个搭配没纠过来的人，用拳头教你学会了做人。
English Version
My teacher said: the quickest way to lose marks in IELTS writing and speaking is wrong collocations. Never say "do a decision" — it's "make a decision." Never say "open the light" — it's "turn on the light." Never say "big rain" — it's "heavy rain."
I memorised the collocation list better than the textbook itself.
In my first week, I started hunting for collocation errors everywhere I went.
A colleague in a meeting said: "We need to do a decision."
I immediately raised my hand: "Excuse me, it's 'make a decision', not 'do a decision'."
The whole office turned to look at me. My colleague smiled awkwardly: "Thanks for the correction."
Day two, on the subway, a middle-aged man was on the phone: "I've got some work to do tonight."
I couldn't help myself. I leaned over: "Sir, actually 'work' is correct, but just so you know, we never say 'do a decision'—"
He hung up and glared at me.
Day three, in a restaurant, a foreigner at the next table said to the waiter: "I want to open the light, it's too dark."
Justice surged through me. I walked over: "Excuse me. We don't say 'open the light' in English. It's 'turn on the light'."
He glanced at me, then told the waiter: "Can you turn on the light, please?" Then he turned back: "Thanks. You're the third Chinese person to correct my English this week."
I returned to my seat, triumphant. My friend's face had turned green.
The worst was day four. In the gym, a middle-aged man was huffing on the treadmill: "I need to make a progress report..."
I blurted out: "Sir! It's 'make progress', no article. 'Make a progress' is wrong. Progress is uncountable."
He stopped, pulled off his headphones: "What did you say?"
"Your collocation is wrong. You should say 'make progress', not 'make a progress'."
He looked at me, then at the dumbbells beside him. He picked one up — twenty kilos.
"Did you come here to work out, or to give me an English lesson?"
I tried to explain: "Actually, the collocation 'make progress' is—"
I don't remember much after that. All I recall is lying on the floor, my mind still spinning: "He hit me... with what? We don't say 'make a punch'. We say 'throw a punch'."
I'd corrected one more collocation.
— The greatest tragedy of IELTS collocation drills: you corrected ten thousand collocations correctly, only to be taught a lesson in humanity by someone whose collocation you failed to correct — using his fists.
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